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[12 Dec 2005|03:14am] |
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Do me a lemon...
bring me to the UK immediately. i'm tired of this ol' country. :)
(practicing my lingo for next year. because i'm not studying or sleeping or doing anything productive.)
<3
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[08 Dec 2005|11:23pm] |
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mood |
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 mischievous |
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music |
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in another life- ashlee simpson |
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so i've decided that mandar and i are going to be the only ones in this apartment next tuesday night. except if alyssa is home. but anyway.
we're going to ducttape 40's of bud light to our hands and watch TV.
side note.
i'm starting my birth control tonight. and i'm super excited...especially since, "it'll help with the acne."
i just feel so attractive sometimes.
TOODLES fuckers.
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| les thoughts. |
[08 Dec 2005|10:53pm] |
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mood |
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indescribable |
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music |
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Hold On To Your Friends- Morrissey |
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so today is the 25th anniversary of john lennon's death.
a death in vain.
i'm not really sure what "in vain" means but i honestly feel like it applies and or has been said before about him.
i was going to update this ol' bugger with a preface to a new novel i'm starting entitled "the chronicles of highness", featuring all of the ridiculous banter and ramblings and goings on of me and a couple of decent blokes and lassies whilst completely soaring on drugs. but my mood has sort of shifted and uhm, i'm not going to do that just yet.
i always hate myself for forgetting to chronicle my life everyday. i know that the simplest things happen each day that i would want to remember when i'm older and looking back on these important times. i'm molding myself. i'm losing myself. i'm loving AND hating myself. i'm starved.
during an enchanted convo with my roommates in the car tonight, i realized that i really need someone.
at this point it's not a want.
it's a need that has been boiling inside of me for as long as i can remember.
my father needs to enter my life.
he contacted lauren earlier this week about getting together over christmas break, going for "coffee" or trying to situate ourselves in some place where the sides can remain on guard, but not under attack. and the thing is, is i wish i could stay sane. but about my father i am anything but. i want to scream, i want to cry and kick and have a fit. i want to know why one of the most important people in my life is nothing but a bad dream at night and a pain in my heart everytime i think about him.
you see, we are the same person. and i know that. and i think our relationship could not only be a good thing, but a great thing. i think he can help me develop my talents. i think he can be a muse, and one of my biggest fans.
isn't that what everyone wants all along? a fan?
i know that i'm guilty of it. i want to be that girl that walks into the student union and no matter what i'm wearing or what mood i'm in or where i'm going, that i am noticed. and looked at like a human being. looked at like someone that is going to BE something someday. someone's obsession, someone's inspiration, someone's girlfriend and best friend and most hysterical cast member on SNL.
i'm not sure what's going to come of any of these thoughts.
i think lately what i need is the following:
a) a GOOD night's sleep
b) an extremely hot and delicious cup of coffee
c) a long, squeezing the life out of me hug
d) my mom
e) a boy to kiss me on the forehead and make me feel like the best thing in the world.
i think i deserve all of these things. tenfold.
christmas is coming soon. it's supposed to be one of the happiest times of the year. and essentially for me, it is.
the weather is colder, the layers of clothing are multiplied, you can actually see your breath and realize that you are alive.
family...
christmas wishes.
new years eve kisses.
broken resolutions.
my resolution is not to have any. because lately i haven't been a good keeper of promises. but it's not that destructive if it's a small favor i promised a friend. it's the fact that i wasn't strong enough to keep it.
i just want a nice boy who knows what a treasure he has found (that's right, ali post is the treasure), to follow me with his eyes everytime i get up to do the most minute task, to offer me help with anything, to be a good influence, to make me eat more vegetables, to cuddle and watch movies (AN OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN), to go skydiving with, to surprise me, to turn my world upside down and make me start from scratch.
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[24 Nov 2005|02:46am] |
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itunes shuffle, yo. |
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One has to have chaos within, to give birth to a dancing star.
my week at home has already made the chaos within me that i am so hated for at school, feel normal.
i could write a book about this week already.
i think everyone should write a book about their life.
not necessarily publish it.
just write it.
and write and write and write and feel and cry and be passionate and love and be loved.
i'm feeling so incredibly wonderful right now.
i think i'm going to have someone at home kidnap me and make me stay forever. because i feel more alive than i've felt in quite a while.
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| crycrycry. |
[13 Nov 2005|10:02pm] |
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mood |
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 drained |
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music |
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random depressing songs |
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I wait for the postman to bring me a letter
I wait for the good Lord to make me feel better
And I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders
A family in crisis that only grows older
Why'd you have to go
Why'd you have to go
Why'd you have to go
Daughter to father, daughter to father
I am broken but I am hoping
Daughter to father, daughter to father
I am crying, a part of me is dying and
These are, these are
The confessions of a broken heart
And I wear all your old clothes, your polo sweater
I dream of another you
The one who would never (never)
Leave me alone to pick up the pieces
A daddy to hold me, that's what I needed
So why'd you have to go
Why'd you have to go
Why'd you have to go?
Daughter to father, daughter to father
I don't know you, but I still want to
Daughter to father, daughter to father
Tell me the truth, did you ever love me
Cause these are, these are
The confessions of a broken heart
I love you.
as much as i think that Lindsay Lohan is a tool, these lyrics are exactly how i've been feeling about my father lately.
I’ve always felt like I didn’t have that one family member that I was exactly akin to. Most family members of mine have contributed to some of my character and personality attributes but pretty much I have always been the oddball. my sister and mom are almost too much alike that they can't ever get along. i know that i'm a lot like my mom in some ways too, but for the couple of times i can recall being with my father, spending time, eating dinner, i've noticed that i'm exactly like him. instead of finishing our mashed potatoes we both like to take the ample opportunity of trying to balance a spoon on our nose. On a long drive, instead of listening to whatever horrible radio station playing contemporary country music that there was, we’d pop in The Police and sing along, screaming at the top of our lungs, laughing hysterically, and remarking at the road signs in a North Dakota type accent. I miss those memories that I have, they are some of the best. Visiting him at the police station, going to see some random movie and being the only ones in the theatre, spending the weekend at his lakehouse in virginia, seeing pieces of myself shining back at me through his eyes.
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[11 Nov 2005|03:09am] |
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mood |
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 cranky |
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music |
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This Years Love- David Gray |
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things keeping ali post awake at night: (okay, so it's morning. but. whatever.)
1) i can't believe i have to basically find someone at this school to marry
2) it's not enough time
3) i'll probably never get married
4) and i'll be a bachelorette in a hippie-ish apartment in the city for the rest of my life
5) throw in a dog somewhere
6) i have a huge psych test at 10AM that i haven't studied for
7) but it's open book
8) but that makes it harder
9) FUCK
10) so...every single song that is on my sleepy mix, i know front on back
11) and if it's supposed to knock me unconscious, i shouldn't know all of the words
12)i really like dan irving
13) lots
14) even to just cuddle...
15) this song is super pretty.
16) i want to be a famous actress/comedienne
17) since, as the girl said on MADE last night, "at least i can get paid to be a dork!"
18) i miss my mandar and desperately want her to come back to school
19) oh yeah. and kimmy and i aren't rooming together or being on the same side of the hall next year.
20) unless you want my mail forwarded to: C/O Sheppard Pratt Mental Institution
21) it is down the road, after all
22) if i hadn't had anything to drink tonight i could have taken some tylenol PM and been drifting off into dreamland by now
23) FINALLY the drunken bastards left their unwanted place beneath my windowsill
24) i feel home
i'm glad i'm doing some quality writing here. seriously.
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| i want to go home... |
[31 Oct 2005|02:07pm] |
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 contemplative |
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Honey and the Moon-Joseph Arthur |
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cut my life into pieces. this is my last resort.
suffocation, no breathing.
so for the past week or so it's felt as if every single person at this school that hates me has taken a pillow and shoved it over my mouth, hoping that they'll hear my last breath of air, laugh, last bit of personality that they lack ever so much.
what the fuck is going on here?
the issue at hand, as probably for everyone else, is the lack of closeness. i believe i ranted enough to jason today.
satinwhitenights: i mean---i have close friends here that i spend every waking moment with. but then there's those people (and there's more than 3) that hate me for no reason. they even made a facebook group about me, and i joined it and sort of tookover to defend myself. it's called Ali Post Sucks At Life and i commented things like---ohhh i know, that girl is SUCH a slut. but idk. i guess it's so much harder to be that close with people that i just met. we have years and years of history with people at home. and i don't have to feel weird if i just go up to nicole and give her a huge hug and lay on her shoulder for no reason. you know? i feel like i'm just a joke here. and it's strange because i never thought i would be one of those people that's hated, but i am. and it's stupid and childish and idk. i've got 3 girls that are my best here, but sometimes i feel like i go way more than the extra mile and they can't even meet me halfway. and i just need a decent hug. i think that's what it comes down to. the closeness-literally as much as figuratively. i don't know if there's really anyone here that would be able to wrap me up in their arms, hold on tight, and just be. and i need that more than anything right now.
satinwhitenights: and i know ANY of you at home would do it in a hot second. idk. i just need people that KNOW me, exactly like you said, and LOVE me for my quirks and personality and humor. i'm like the target here, because i'm "crazy". but i'm really just being myself and some people here are so lame that they're not used to an actual personality. it's not that i feel bad about myself for it---that's the old me. the one you used to try to comfort all the time late at night. i just wish people would even seem interested in calling ME first and seeing what i'm up to.
satinwhitenights: it's just really peculiar. and it's really really difficult for me to sleep. it's almost as if my body is telling me "ali, you're not home."
satinwhitenights: i guess i'm just silly for hoping that i would ever find people to measure up to you guys. or is it merely a matter of history and experience that i'm lacking with people here? ugh. it can be too much to handle. and i just miss my family. my cousins and the dog and the smells and the kisses on the cheek and the time spent. it's almost too much to bear. my goddamned heart. couldn't it be just a little smaller? lol
satinwhitenights: and then we've got my dad trying to make an appearance back into my life, asking my mom for my e-mail address and phone number and i'm like are you fucking kidding? the one person in my life that i wanted to be close with, and would never reach out his hand, wants to be in the picture when i'm going through all of this nonsense. and i can't handle him right now.
satinwhitenights: and i think that's all i have to say...about that. ( forrest gump voice )
satinwhitenights: oh. and i've been having extremely vivid dreams. like, i had a dream last night that cats were trying to nip at my fingers and stuff and i woke up like twitching and stuff. i'm just not myself.
modestmelody: THough I havent quite had a facebook group dedicated to me, I know that there are people who can't help but to murmur about me as I leave the room. I am nearly entirely friends with guys because I feel like the girls here are out for that kind of obnoxious drama, they arent the type that can just chill with me, that would be comfortable with thehug thing, that would be there to listen to me, etc
modestmelody: the guys here are just-- guys... distant, no meaning. Besides when i was friends with tim, the thing with guys are there is nothing but time to increase fondness amongst each other
modestmelody: it's weird, we just can't like talk about anything that means something deep down. SUre, ive had political debate, debates on poets of the 19th century, modernism versus post-modernsim and it's place in contemporary literature, whether or not war is an innate part of humanity, threesomes, and Megaman
modestmelody: but deep down, I still need someone to look at and they just know. Without a look, no expression, it takes a glance to communicate volumes
satinwhitenights: i know exactly what you mean.
satinwhitenights: i mean, at least i've visited a couple of people, gotten to spend an entire weekend with lauren here, and have seen momma dukes three times but. i just can't ignore the gaping wound. you know?
modestmelody: yeah
modestmelody: i feel very differently then most people do i think going away
modestmelody: im very happy to be on my own, very happy to be here and im happy with my friends
satinwhitenights: ditto
modestmelody: but rather then wanting to move far and far away from my past, it's only amplified my desire for what was going on at home
satinwhitenights: i think most of us are feeling that way
satinwhitenights: but i REALLY love it here. especially maryland. everything about it.
modestmelody: I knwo that what i had was more precious than I realized, and I miss a large part of it. Yeah I mean I cant imagine being anywhere else right now
modestmelody: i just wish i had a few people here with me feeling the same way
satinwhitenights: :-) definitely.
satinwhitenights: i don't even understand why people don't like me here
satinwhitenights: i don't know what they're looking for because if they're looking for better, they're not gonna find it. :-D
BAM!
attention: Amanda L. Rhode. I miss you. Please come back and have some substance with me. Thank you for your time.
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[10 Aug 2005|07:35pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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Bleeding Mascara-Atreyu |
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i don't think i've EVER been as stoned as i was last night, in my entire life.
i thought i was in florida.
and the story about the black guy walking around with a fake bulletproof vest that said G-UNIT on it had me nearly peeing in my pants.
towson is going to be fantastic. and i'll have kate and amanda to thank for it.
i've been in a weird mood? perhaps it's because i found lo's webshots (from laguna beach) and it just weirded me out. hmmm.
food time <3
p.s.-for the record, atreyu is HORRIBLE but i can't help but be in love with the chorus of this song.
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[08 Aug 2005|06:29pm] |
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mood |
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silly |
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music |
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Blame It On My Youth-Jamie Cullum |
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SURPRISE!
YOU'RE GETTING A PAP TEST!
*look of sheer horror on my face*
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| asdfghjkl;' |
[08 Aug 2005|01:01pm] |
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mood |
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crushed |
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music |
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Come Back to Camden-Morrissey |
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so i finally got my way with mom. i get her from a "YOU HAVE NO MONEY YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GEORGIA" to her sitting beside me at this very computer, checking flight schedules and fares. these are times when i truly believe that i rule at life.
today i was supposed to be in work but something inside of me just ached for my bed and for more time to relax and think about everything happening in my life. plus, i'll be working pretty much straight through this week and erasing 5 more days on my calendar. then i'll be in georgia for 4 days. then i'll be off to college in 10.
where the hell does all of the time go? i remember being up in front of mrs. kahn-wolk's class in sixth grade, presenting an entire project on the glorious country of England in an english accent, people hysterical. and of course, i got a 100. and things were just that easy.
someone please tell me that everything is going to be okay.
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[07 Aug 2005|09:53pm] |
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mood |
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bitchy |
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music |
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none. the sound of the fan. |
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I'M GOING. AND THAT'S THE END OF IT.
i will sell my fucking soul.
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[07 Aug 2005|01:06pm] |
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bouncy |
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Here's to You-O.A.R |
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My Summer in Retrospect
12 people
1 Lauren Elizabeth Post
2 Nicole Haimson
3 Samantha Honig
4 Rob Leo
5 Amanda Eisenbach
6 Brian Collins
7 Max Davis (as much as it turns my stomach.)
8 Mandishka Rhode
9 Kate O'Reilly
10 Roe Fontanella
11 Jason Becker
12 Erik Schick
11 songs
1 basically every O.A.R. song known to man
2 "Sunday Bloody Sunday"-the one and ONLY U2
3 "Love Song"-The Cure
4 "Just a Lil Bit"-50 Cent (you know how we do!)
5 "Dice"-Finley Quaye
6 "Late"-Ben Folds
7 "Blame it On My Youth"-Jamie Cullum
8 "All Along the Watchtower"-Dave Matthews (formerly done by Hendrix, thank you.)
9 "Money"-Pink Floyd
10 "Heaven"-The Fire Theft
11 "Waste"-Phish
10 incidents
1 O.A.R.,Lifehouse, Ted Leo concerts
2 Levin's house. all 3 times. hahaha!
3 christening queen latifah
4 TUCARES :)
5 snacks, pulp fiction, and sex.
6 softcore nights. lmao!
7 movie nights.
8 beach nights.
9 smoking a LOT of pot, and then not being able to wake up for work the next day.
10 that time with your mom...
9 readings
1 3rd Pants book
2 One of Those Hideous Books Where The Mother Dies
3 The Truth About Forever
4 Sex, Murder, and a Double Latte
5 --
6 --
7 --
8 -- (yo no se, kids.)
9 the latest Harry Potter (as soon as laur is done)
8 movies
1 Wedding Crashers
2 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
3 Cinderella Man
4 Love Actually
5 Kinsey
6 Boogeyman (WORST MOVIE EVER)
7 Wayne's World
8 Titanic (happening SOON, bitches.)
7 classes
1 british lit (towsonnnn)
2 wellness in a diverse society (towsonnnn)
3 jazz hist (towsonnnn)
4 algebra for apps. (towsonnnn)
5 human geography (towsonnnn)
6 first period french with my tas <3
7 math with ms. parabola
6 lessons learned
1 Go with your instincts. always
2 smoke weed everyday. (KIDDING.)
3 listen.
4 live and let love.
5 don't hold grudges.
6 alone time is super important. (YOU PERVS! *wink*)
5 dates
1 July 11th, something like that.
2 August 2nd
3 June 24th
4 july 15th
5 August 27th
4 things acquired
1 swimmer's ear
2 comfortableness getting naked in front of ANYONE
3 like 12 different laughs
4 self-love
3 places visited
1 Rhode Island
2 Maryland
3 GEORGIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
2 loves
1 coffee
2 everyone around me
1 idea
1 walk around barefoot.
summer is truly wonderful. and so are all of you.
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| oh, poop. |
[07 Aug 2005|01:44am] |
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mood |
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horny |
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music |
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Don't Go Back To Dalston- Razorlight |
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so after a 3 1/2 hour stint in the emergency room, i'm home.
guys, be glad you don't have ovaries. they don't do you ANY good :p
at least i got to watch wheel of fortune.
(people are so fucking dumb. if i give you H A _ M _ N _ C A
could you guess that it was harmonica? well if you're a fucking champ like me, yeah ya can.
and then, one of my idols, raven, was on the disney channel. that girl can SING!
but anyway. i'm tired, and i've got a whole day of shit ahead of me (pun intended. rawrrr i'm sassy.) so, i'm thinking that my bed is looking reallllllly good right now.
comment you fuckers ;) and yeah, my mood is on.
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| first entry. |
[05 Aug 2005|04:24pm] |
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mood |
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contemplative |
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music |
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absolutely zero (live)-jason mraz |
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I'm not too sure of the date.
For some reason, summer always does that to me. It makes me completely oblivious to the days passing and the hours spent doing absolutely nothing. During the school years, things, events, appointments, dates with friends are planned out to a tee. And the spare moments that you actually have in between are spent planning other things, Days are counted and noticed. The summer always brings out that carefree spirit in me that I love and wish would make an appearance more often. The one that is irresistable, not phased by minute problems, and the one that is sincerely relaxed. I'm not too sure how much longer this state of mind will last, though.
The fact that I'm leaving for school in 20 some odd days is hitting me harder than a speeding bullet coming full force and stopping for nothing and no one. For the last couple of months I've tried to let nature take its course and grab me along for the ride. But all of a sudden I seem very reluctant to do so. I feel suffocated and lost in time. I'm taking more cautious steps and I'm making sure that by the time I leave this place, that I am fully able to leave. There are millions of things that are keeping me bound to my past, present, and future here and I just want to be certain that I have made the right decisions, said the right words, and left the special moments had untainted.
Each day leaves me with a different underlying feeling of leaving. Lately, it seems like it's been one of two. It seems like every single person that I need the most time with is on vacation, or away, trying to distance themselves, or is just completely on a different wavelength. Sarah's been away at sleepaway camp for over a week, Sam is enjoying her stay at Disney and a cruise until August 15th, my mother can hardly wait to plan her next long weekend to visit her navy seal in Baltimore, my aunt, uncle, and cousins have been in Cape Cod for two weeks, jerkface is down in Florida being teased by the fact that his parents are still not letting him go to school there, and I believe that my Nix has a 5 day trip to Ocean City planned. I feel as much as having a little time apart will ultimately make things easier to deal with in 22 days, that it won't. What I need right now is an infinite amount of girls nights --> beginning with vegging out in pajamas, meeting in Nix's den to choose a DVD out of her OCD-fabulous insane collection of DVD's (how can one choose?) and laughing and being retarded until I'm 100% positive that my laughter is splitting my stomach into little pieces. Inevitably, I would start bawling at the sheer beauty of it, of how absurdly in love with my friends I am, and I will still go home red-eyed and sniffly, but utterly satisfied.
I need those hugs, and that non-verbal reassurance that everything is going to be okay, and that it's safe to assume that we will all be friends forever. At the beginning of the summer I tried to numb myself to the rawness of this all and would go to bed high every night, only focusing on the sounds of Hendrix coming through my ipod headphones muting the voices in my head and the sad song in my heart. But I have since quit that and have remained intent in experiencing the gammut of emotions that I know will be brought on by the next 3 weeks. I am torn, anxious, scared, enthralled, excited, stoked, sad, sentimental, trapped, and everything else that comes with these times. But I truly believe that if everybody was able to pull away from their self-centeredness and to glance at the slash marks through August on their calendars. We're down to the wire. And I want to be able to hold on as tight as physically possible, and then let go fully.
This summer has already been unbelievable in so many ways and I just want it to continue that way. I've been down to Towson and fully realized that me, kate, and Amanda are going to be inseperable and out of our minds and I can't even explain how good that makes me feel. And I've had so many amazing nights with my friends that I can't even recall, a few special nights wrapped up in a very good thing with someone, ETC, and I feel so lucky.
The only thing that I'm concerned about is having unfinished business and goodbyes. So everyone that is reading this please, let me reappear in your lives a few months from now in full-blown technicolor, not as a ghost.
I will be going to Georgia in 8 days (!!!!!!!!!!#$%^&*()_$%^&*!#*(&$#)
and after that, i have approximately 9 days until I go to school.
With that, I FUCKING LOVE ALL OF YOU.
later days,
ali <3
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